Understanding Zero
by DemonAngel-SweetDevil
Summary: Everyone enjoys hugs! At least, that's what Zero thinks. Crack-fic that has absolutely nothing to do with anything! Join Zero and his not-so-sane ways in a completely sane world!
1. Sheets

"No! It _has_ to be _pink!_" Zero screeched, slamming into Harpuia as he tried to replace the sheets on Zero's bed with green ones.

"But the pink ones need to be washed!" Harpuia said, kicking Zero off him and tried to keep him down with his foot planted on his head.

"Pink ones! Pink ones! Pink ones! _PINK ONES!_" Zero said, clawing at Harpuia's leg.

"OMAIGAWD, SHUT THE HECK UP, ZERO!" Leviathan said, bursting into the room, while holding a butter knife quite threateningly.

"I want the pink sheets!" Zero whined and began to cry. "Pink ones!"

"But it's not Wednesday!" Leviathan said. "Why do you want pink on a Saturday?"

Zero sniffled, "Because they're soft and plushy and soft and cuddly and soft and pretty and my favorites. Did I say they're really soft?"

"..." Harpuia glared at Zero, who was now sitting in a fetal position. "What would you do if I said that they'd get softer if we washed them?"

"How much softer?" Zero questioned, sounding hopeful, but not looking hopeful.

"Over nine-thousand?" Leviathan tried.

Zero jumped up into a rabid-fangirl-who-just-saw-her-favorite-character-doing-surprise-yaoi-with-her-other-favorite-character position. "Nine-thousand?" he said, and ran from the room yelling "Dragon Ball Z reference!" down the hall.

"I thought he would have started laughing and rolling on the floor, but at least he's gone" Leviathan said, walking away.

"Oh, yeah, you helped me so much. Let me get stabbed to death with a pen when he sees the new sheets!"

"I'll hide the pens."

"No. He'll find a way to stab me with a piece of paper."

"I'll put him in a straightcoat."

"That's not going to work. He'll just push stuff on me."

"I'll chain him to the ground."

"He'd pull them our of the ground and use them as wrecking balls."

"I'll put him in a cold medicine induced sleep."

"He'll wake up high."

"I'll rape him."

"That's... a little too much. Can girls even rape guys?"

"Nothing's impossible with Zero."

"True..."

"I'm going to-"

"OVER NINE-THOUUUUSAAAANNND!" Zero ran in with a calculator. "Dividing one million by three is OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Fefnir said, sticking his head though the door and had what appeared to be a clock hand and glass in his hair and on his shoulders.

"You're most scrumdiddlydumtiously welcome, Sargent Sarcasm!" Zero saluted, and bowed.

"That was uncalled for." Fefnir growled.

"The clock was a perfect target for my calculator archery!" Zero said, throwing the calculator at the ceiling.

_Bzzt!_

"...Oops." Zero looked up at the shattered ceiling lamp.

"Oh, great!" Harpuia said, exasperated. "Zero, you need to go be crazy somewhere else!"

"Ehh?" Zero whined, once again assuming the fetal position on the ground, clutching the calculator.

Fefnir kicked Zero. Irritated by that, Zero bit his socked covered foot. Fefnir shrieked and fell over, pinching Zero's noes while he dug his nails into Fefnir's wrist. Fefnir kicked his leg, jerking Zero's head back and, in return, Zero crouched and head-butted Fefnir in the stomach. They both fell over, but Fefnir recovered recovered before Zero and slammed his fist on Zero's back. Zero then punched Fefnir in the slim reaper, got up, and walked away triumphantly while Fefnir was writhing in pain.

Harpuia and Leviathan stared.

"Zero, if Fefnir dies, you're paying for the funeral." Leviathan said.

"Aww, he gets a funeral?" Zero said. "I thought you were just going to rip up his body and give it to the ravens to eat!"

"That's a disturbing thought." Harpuia said. "Maybe we want to feed his body to the fishes? That's be cleaner."

"Can I throw his body into the ocean?" Zero inquired.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you're dangerous enough with a leaf."

"Why?"

"Because you belong in an asylum."

"Why?"

"Because you're crazy."

"Why?"

"Because you were born."

"Why?"

"Because some one decided to make you."

"Why?"

"Because they were insane."

"Why?"

"Because the just were."

"Why?"

"Why are you saying why?"

"Why do ask why?

"Just wondering."

"Why?"

"Shut up."

"Why?"

"Zero, shut up."

"Why?"

"Zero!"

"What?"

"Shut. Up. Now."

"...Wh-"

Harpuia slapped Zero.

Leviathan and Fafnir gasped.

Zero stared at Harpuia. He reached into his pocked, and pulled out a pen. Harpuia, suddenly terrified, backed away.

"...You hit me." Zero said. "Why would you do that?"

"Y-you wouldn't be quiet."

"Why?" Zero raised the pen.

"I-I dunno... You were... uh... just..." Harpuia stammered.

"Just what?" Zero clicked the pen.

"Just trying to amuse yourself?" He tried.

"Maybe." Zero began to-

* * *

**Authors Note:**

**Sorry, I'm not into writing gory scenes. Considering what you've just read, you can assume what Zero's gonna do, right? I'll leave it to you to decide how. Oh, the pen's blue, by the way.  
**


	2. Your FACE!

**Author's Note:**

**Just some random daydreams I came up with. Bob and Joe were unnamed, random people that were there, so please don't ask who they are. I don't even know.**

**

* * *

**

Zero and Bob were walking downtown in the shopping area, which was filled particularly with the latest clothing and accessories that fashion knows. Arms filled with shopping bags full of brand new pants and sweaters, to replace the ones Zero decided he was going to use in an attempt to hang Harpuia and Fefnir. Why Fefnir was included was still unknown, but he did it anyway.

"You know blood never comes out of whites once it has time to set?" Bob said angrily.

"Harpuia's and Fefnir's blood doesn't set, it sits!" Zero said, obviously not understanding the meaning of 'set'.

"That... never mind..." Bob sighed.

They walked along in an awkward silence for a while. Zero probably couldn't tell because he was too busy humming the opening song to Code Geass. Bob could only imagine what his face looked like contorted in disgust. Then he stopped, grabbing Zero's sleeve to make him stop too.

"Do you _see_ that shirt?" Bob said, pointing to a shirt.

"Which one?" Zero asked, "The pink and red one, the green and orange one, or the black one?"

"No, the other section. The really ugly one." Bab said, pointing furiously.

"Ohh, that ugly one. " Zero saw the ugly shirt. It was a fudge-brown color with a yellow outlined floral pattern.

"It's really ugly! How can it sell?" Bob laughed.

"Do you know what else is ugly?" Zero asked, "Your FACE!"

(

* * *

After a brutal, exhausting, strenuous match of table tennis, Bob and Zero decide to relaxby the vending machine.

Sipping on a soda, Bob says, "I wonder what would happen if you get hit really hard in the face with a ping-pong ball."

"You'd probably get a bruise." Zero says simply, gulping down a water battle.

"Probably a big one. And ugly, too." Bob walks over to the vending machine to buy another soda.

"You know what else is ugly? Your FA-" Zero started.

"Don't even try to say it!" Bob interrupts, "You're so stupid!"

Zero watched Bob fume as he tries to get his dollar bill in the slot.

"I'm tired of looking at your face." Zero said.

"Well, don't look at it" Bob tries.

"I can't stop. Your ugliness is staining my hair."

"Too bad, you can just cut it off."

Zero walks up to Bob.

"What?" Bob said.

"What do you think would happen if someone was punched through the wall face first?" Zero asked.

"Their face would be crushed, obviously."

"Hm... Maybe I can rid of your ugly mug by !" Zero yelled, throwing Bob into the vending machine, face first, causing it to implode, causing it to crash through the wall, and flipping over. The result ended in Bob being crushed under the vending machine and fallen debris from the crushed wall.

Zero, leaning on the wall and sipping his water, had watched the show with a satisfied expression on his face.

* * *

Omega and Joe were slashing through some Pantheons and enjoying the sound of their bodies falling with a thud and a splash.

"This is fun." Joe said, "Though I with they would scream like humans."

"I wish I had the courage to look at your face and not scream like a little girl." Omega said.

"I wish you would quit it with the 'your face' jokes already."

"I wish I had a cookie." Omega stated it as if it were something Joe had with him at that very moment and was prepared to give it to him.

"Well, I don't have one." Joe said, irritated. "Why do you want one, anyway?"

"So I can be distracted form your FACE!"

((

* * *

Bob and Zero decided it would be nice to have some lunch in a small, yet popular, café. After ordering a lunch of two decaf coffee's and a couple sandwiches, Zero went to the bathroom.

"Yeesh, how long is he gonna take?" Bob said after he had waited for about ten minutes. Their lunch had already arrived.

After about twenty minutes, Zero finally came back. Halfway to the table, he stopped. He froze up and his face had a look of pure terror and disgust on it. He screamed. Everyone in the café jumped and looked at him.

"AUGH! EWW! OMAIGAWD, WHAT THE FAWK, DISGUSTING! BWUAHH!" Zero shrieked. After about five minutes of Zero screaming and everyone else frantically looking aroung, Zero finally stopped.

"Ugh! Oh, God, I'm sorry! It's just your face!" Zero said, out of breath and pointing directly at Bob.

((

* * *

In the upstairs section of the mall, Zero and Bob were choosing their favorite candy out of the large variety the candy store held.

"Eww!" Zero screeched happily, "That chocolate looks like a fat baby!"

"Yeah," Bob said, "That baby is probably your brother!"

"Eh? I don't get it." Zero said, confused.

"What's not to get? That's what you looked like as a baby, right? And to look that fat and ugly, your mom was probably a hatchet fish or something!"

"..." Zero stared at Bob, like he was coming up with a fantastically great comeback that came in an epiphany.

(((

"...Yeah, you're probaby right..." Zero said with a defeated look.

* * *

(-Bob, in shock, thus goes into an anime 'shock face' body position. Imagine him imitating"The Scream" and having his legs in a squiggly, ghosty form, not touching the ground-

((-insert 'WTF I HAET JOOZ!' face here-

(((-Imagine Zero doing the same thing as Bob did (see above) and having his spirit coming out of his mouth.


End file.
